Master and Commander Directed by: Peter Weir

I've spent a few moons aboard a naval vessel and believe me when I tell you that it is a painfully dull experience! My narrow sightedness is Universal Studios' vision. They saw a vehicle (literally and figuratively) for Russel Crowe with Master and Commander that will certainly eclipse $75 million clams at the box office! Yipppeee! This over bloated film is exactly what you'd expect from an over bloated prima donna like Crowe. A period piece, Master and Commander takes place during the Napoleonic battles of the early 1800's. Crowe is the captain of a Brittish vessel that is tasked with sinking a superior French ship off the shores of South America.....snzzzzzz....snnnnzzzzzzz.....snnnnzzzzzzz....Coffee PLEASE! Captain Crowe is gallant in his undying devotion to "the King", his noble passion for "duty", and the unquestionable admiration of his sailors! Bullshit! I can hear the producer/director/screenwriter Peter Weir saying "Russel stand in the light! This light compliments your newly curvaceous figure! Oh women will swoon, men will envy you, children will want to grow up to be you! Yes Russel you ARE magnificent! Please Russel, less acting, more posing! Russel, this is not "The Insider"! Think "Virtuosity" with a pony tail! Thank you Heir Crowe! You truly are one of THE GREATS!" I refuse to rant any longer and attempt to convince you of the ineptitude of this gratuitous film. I simply ask you....would you like to spend 2 hours watching a bunch of dirty guys on a boat posturing underneath THE ALMIGHTY Crowe? However, the thought of the old cliche, there's a silver lining in every cloud, comes to mind: watching Frenchies and Limey's massacre each other is fun! Overall, I'm bummed that I spent some valuable time and hard earned cash on a movie that neither inspired hate or love, just BOREDOM! (Pat Connor)
Rating: A naked Whoopi Goldberg